


Touch me

by K17L53



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lexa Lives (The 100), Trigedasleng
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23661463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K17L53/pseuds/K17L53
Summary: Set a few months after the shooting. Lexa is having a bad night and feels alone, and she just needs some kind of physical touch to be reminded that she's not. So unlike every other time she has felt like this, she's not alone, Clarke is here. It's hard though, it's hard to even accept the comfort Clarke is giving her because Lexa doesn't believe she's deserving of any of it. But Clarke's not going anywhere, she knows well enough what it's like to think of yourself as a monster.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 9
Kudos: 156





	Touch me

**Author's Note:**

> i started this fic last year??? and then i completely forgot about it. i was going through my WIPs and i've been wanting to write a canon-verse fic so i found this. so i was like, yep, let me just finish this. when i opened it a couple of days ago, there were 500 words. and i thought at most it would get to 2k. because the original idea was lexa needing physical comfort. but then i got ahead of myself. and now there's close to 4k. so...yeah. there's some trig in there and the translation is in brackets and bolded right next to it.

Things were still new in Polis, it had been a few months but Clarke was still getting used to everything; the place, the people, the tower, her place in all of this, and how she fit in. Things were new with Lexa too, since that day they spent together, since that one faithful afternoon, everything had changed and they both believed it was for the better. But then it had taken a turn for the worse when Titus got his hands on the gun, shooting Lexa, and Clarke thought for sure she was going to lose her. It took a lot, it took days before she even opened her eyes, and the days following it were anything but pretty. But Clarke had been there through it all, by Lexa’s side, keeping her company, taking care of her – regardless of how much Lexa kept saying she didn’t need to be taken care of – and making sure she was safe. As new as it was though, things with Lexa felt… _familiar_ , that was the only way Clarke could explain it. Being with her, holding her, kissing her, as new as it all was, it still felt so familiar and comfortable.

They were in bed now, it had been a good few hours since then actually and Clarke had fallen asleep. She wasn’t sure what had woken her up, but the mattress moving beneath her got her attention. Clarke furrowed her brows, thinking about what could be wrong before she turned around in her place, she had her back facing Lexa when they had fallen asleep, with her arm around Clarke’s waist. Turning around, Clarke would see Lexa stirring and tossing uncomfortably in her place on the bed. Clarke had thought for sure that Lexa was asleep, she had a long day and was tired by the time they had gotten in bed.

“Hey,” Clarke spoke gently, her voice soft and not wanting to startle Lexa. “What’s wrong?” She asked her, waiting a moment but not getting a response. “Are you okay?” Clarke tried again. 

Lexa only nodded, she had her back to Clarke and didn’t really trust herself to speak. It was a bad night, that was it; it was just one of those nights where everything felt wrong and nothing felt like it could ever be right. Everything Lexa has ever had to do, everything she has been through, it was all hitting her at once, it was like waves crashing on shore, constant and continuous, with no sign of stopping. And Lexa knew that if she turned around and so much as looked at Clarke, she wouldn’t be able to hold it together anymore.

She felt alone, Lexa felt alone in everything that was going on inside her head. It felt like there was no one here for her, there never was, and Clarke didn’t need to put up with this too. She had been here for awhile after the shooting, watching her recovering, holding her when she had a nightmare from the incident and that was more than enough. Lexa didn’t want Clarke to have to be here for everything else too. But god, she felt so alone. And all Lexa wanted right now was to be reminded that she wasn’t, she wanted to be held, or touched, or something, anything that would tell her that there was someone here next to her, that she wasn’t alone when it felt like the whole world was empty save for her.

“I thought you were asleep,” Clarke spoke quietly, her voice just barely audible over the sound of the wind blowing into to the room from the slightly open balcony door. She shifted closer to the brunette, hand hovering over Lexa, unsure if she wanted to be touched right now, it was difficult to gauge that when Lexa was having a bad night. “Did you have a bad dream?” Clarke asked but again, no reply. Maybe Lexa wanted to be left alone right now, Clarke could tell something was wrong and as much as she wanted to help and comfort her, she knew that sometimes Lexa just needed to be alone.

Lexa let out a small sigh, closing her eyes and finally giving in to Clarke. She didn’t want her to back away, she didn’t want to shut her out. Especially now, especially when Lexa _desperately_ needed someone. But well…Lexa didn’t want Clarke to know that. “I didn’t sleep.” She muttered quietly, unsure if Clarke had even heard her. “ _Ai na nou nod of_. **[I can’t fall asleep]** ”

“ _Tel op ai chit ste skechi?_ **[Tell me what’s wrong?]** ” Clarke tried, Lexa’s voice was small, she sounded unsure, and Clarke just wanted her to be okay. She wanted her to know that she could talk to Clarke, no matter what it was about, she was here for her. “ _Chek au ai, beja._ **[Look at me, please]** ” She had learned by now that sometimes it was easier to get through to Lexa with Trigedasleng. It was more…natural to her, it was her language and even Clarke found herself slipping in and out of it throughout the day. Well, she needed to if she wanted to communicate with anyone in the city that wasn’t a warrior, not everyone spoke English and after all the time Clarke had spent alone, she was close to being completely fluent in Trigedasleng. 

“ _Ai laik kei, Klark._ **[I’m okay, Clarke]** ” Lexa tried, she didn’t want to worry Clarke, she was going to be fine.

“Sure you are,” Clarke responded, rolling her eyes at that, it wasn’t very convincing. By now, Clarke could tell when Lexa was lying, or when she was hiding something from Clarke. “I’m here, you know that Lexa. I’m here for you.” She told her gently, wanting Lexa to at least turn around and look at her. “You’re not alone. You’re never going to be again, I’m here.”

Lexa remained silent, she didn’t have it in her to speak, she didn’t trust herself to without crying. Just hearing Clarke right now, listening to what she was saying was enough for tears to fill her eyes again. “Nothing is right.” She spoke quietly, shaking her head, mostly to herself. “It all feels wrong.”

“What does?” Clarke brought herself up slightly, propping herself on her elbow to look at Lexa, wanting her to continue.

“Everything,” Lexa breathed out. “It all feels too much tonight.” She had her arms wrapped around herself, almost like she was hugging herself and just…doing what she could to not feel alone. It has hard to explain what was going on in her head at the moment, what she was feeling right now. Just saying it was all too much was pretty broad, and nothing particular had happened today to make her upset so Lexa wasn’t sure Clarke would understand – or even know what she was talking about. But it really was just everything.

Lexa has had…an eventful life, so to speak; a life that very frequently involved violence and bloodshed and torture – and Lexa had found herself on both the giving and receiving end of it. Things like this, her past, her experiences, her mistakes, Lexa kept to herself, she didn’t like to talk about it, she didn’t like to think about it. And the only way she knew to deal with it was to push it deep down and not think about it. Well, that was up until it boiled up to the top and caused her to break down. But that worked for her, one night every once in a while where the dam broke and the next morning she was fine again. Those nights were hard, and Lexa really wished she could just not have them, but it wasn’t avoidable. And when it happened, all Lexa really wanted was to not be alone. But she always was, it was weak, it made her look weak, it made her feel weak, and there wasn’t anyone Lexa trusted to see her like this. Not until now anyway, but still, Lexa didn’t want her to have to deal with all her problems.

“I’m here,” Clarke said again, voice soft soothing. “You’re not alone.” She added. “Is there anything I can do _ai hodnes_?” Sometimes she didn’t want to talk, Clarke knew that, sometimes all Lexa wanted was to be quiet and to have someone – Clarke – next to her. Talking really wasn’t her thing, Lexa was silent and a firm believer of the fact that actions spoke louder than words. “Is there anything you need?”

“Touch me.” Lexa’s reply came almost instantly, her voice a little rushed, almost like she was getting it out before she could stop herself. “I feel alone,” Lexa choked out, her throat closing up as her eyes started to fill again and god, she didn’t want Clarke to see her cry. “Just touch me and let me know you’re here.”

“ _Ai laik ait hir._ **[I’m right here]** ” Clarke replied as she settled next to Lexa. Her hand came up, resting on Lexa’s biceps and gently squeezing. She let it trail down along her arm, fingers light and tracing random patterns as she went along. Clarke leaned closer against Lexa as she reached her hand, placing a soft kiss on the back of her shoulder before her hand moved lower to the hem of Lexa’s sleep shirt. Her fingers toyed at the edge of it, ghosting over the skin underneath and Clarke felt Lexa shudder and let out a quiet sob, her back pressing further into Clarke’s body, wanting to be as close to her as possible. “ _Yu nou laik solou._ **[You’re not alone]** ”

There was a nod from Lexa, a choked sigh that almost sounded like a gasp as she felt Clarke’s hand slip under her shirt. Her hand went up along her back, palm flat against her spine as it moved up, Clarke’s motions slow and deliberate, wanting Lexa to feel her, wanting her to know she was safe here beside her. Clarke kept her hand on Lexa’s back, feeling her skin and soothing her. Her other hand came up, going to rest on Lexa’s upper thigh, and Clarke wasn’t expecting the whimper that escaped Lexa’s lips. “Shh,” Clarke hushed her, a series of small kisses going on the back of Lexa’s neck and shoulders as her hands continued to do as Lexa asked, touch her.

Lexa could feel her lips trembling, eyes squeezed shut as she did her best to not cry. But then Clarke’s hand moved to her front from her back, trailing along her stomach and close to where the bullet had entered her. Her breathing grew rapid, stopping Clarke’s hand with her’s as she grabbed it before it could touch the scar. It had been a few months, and it was healed mostly now, it had from the outside but some movements still hurt, or when Lexa was too stressed it would still sting, the pain would shoot through her. “No,” She shook her head, gasping and out of breath, she couldn’t steady her breathing. “No,” The rise and fall of her chest was rapid and _fuck_ all Lexa wanted right now was to be able to calm down.

“Okay, okay,” Clarke reassured her, her hand coming up Lexa’s leg and on her back. “It’s okay,” She tried, moving the hand Lexa was holding by the wrist; her grip was loose and Clarke moved her slightly, enough to intertwine their fingers instead before bringing it up to rest over Lexa’s chest. “It’s okay _nimon_ , calm down.” Clarke spoke softly, forehead resting against the back of Lexa’s shoulder, pressing her body close to her’s. “ _Yu laik klir._ **[You’re safe]** ”

A sob broke through her, her whole body trembling as Lexa finally let go, she couldn’t hold it back any longer. Her breathing was rapid, mind clouded with images and thoughts and feelings she didn’t want to experience again. Suddenly, it felt like there was blood on her, on her hands, on her body, and it wasn’t even her’s this time. Suddenly, it wasn’t about the shooting anymore; suddenly it was about all the lives she had taken, all the people she had killed, all the families she had broken. She deserved this, she deserved to feel like this, feel this pain, and get shot, and have it feel like she was drowning right now.

Lexa let go of Clarke’s hand; she didn’t deserve this, she didn’t deserve Clarke, she didn’t deserve the way Clarke was comforting her and soothing her. Lexa didn’t deserve any of this, she had too much blood on her hands to be allowed to experience anything good. Lexa pushed it away, practically jumping off of the bed and on her feet quicker than Clarke could comprehend what was happening. She brought her hands up to her face, the heels of it rubbing her eyes as she walked away from the bed. Lexa was shaking her head, dragging her feet along the floor and towards the couch. She was shaking, her hands were trembling, and Lexa wasn’t sure how to get oxygen into her lungs.

“Lexa,” Clarke called out from her spot on the bed, still comprehending what was happening. “Hey,” She tried again, finally moving to get up and following Lexa towards the couch. “Lexa what’s wrong?” Clarke tried, the sudden change in her behavior almost gave Clarke whiplash; one moment Lexa was starting to calm down, the next she was panicking, and then she was walking away from her.

Lexa only shook her head, not bothering to even look at Clarke as she found her way to the couch and sat down. “Go back to bed Clarke.” She told her, doing her best to speak between her rapid breaths and sound as calm as possible.

Clarke ignored it, whatever it was, Lexa didn’t need to deal with it alone. So instead she walked up behind her, making her way to the couch before sitting down next to her. “I’m not going without you.” She told her lightly, a hand coming up to rest on Lexa’s back. But she moved away, putting distance between the two of them, not wanting Clarke to touch her. Well, this was a change from a few minutes ago. “What’s wrong?” Clarke asked her again, Lexa was hunched over, her head in her hands and her back rising and falling rapidly in short breaths. She didn’t know what was wrong, but Clarke knew Lexa needed to calm down.

“Just,” Lexa started, not looking up at her, “Go back to bed.” She didn’t want to look at her, she didn’t have it in her too. Clarke was still here, and Clarke was still trying to comfort her and help her and make her feel better. But god, Lexa couldn’t accept that, she couldn’t accept anyone wanting to do good for her, she didn’t deserve it.

Clarke didn’t move though, Lexa could still feel her sitting next to her only a couple of inches away, patiently watching and waiting for Lexa to say something, do something. But she didn’t. So Clarke sighed, pulling her legs up on the couch before leaning back. She wasn’t going anywhere, she was staying right here next to Lexa, as long as she needed to. If Lexa didn’t want to talk now, that was fine, but Clarke didn’t want to leave her alone; she would wait, as long as she needed to.

“Why are you still here, Clarke?” Lexa finally asked a moment later, her head coming up and her breathing finally calmer.

Clarke looked at her confused, unsure of what she meant or why Lexa would even ask her that, “What are you talking about?”

“You.” Lexa replied, “Why are you still here?” She asked again, but Clarke still looked confused. “I’m alright, I’ve recovered from the shooting. You have done your part, why are you still here?”

“Do you really think that’s the only reason I stayed?” Clarke asked her slowly, “Lexa, after everything between us, do you really think that’s the _only_ reason I stayed with you?”

Lexa shrugged lightly, swallowing the lump in her throat. “You shouldn’t have stayed,” Her voice was quiet this time, her eyes not meeting Clarke’s. “With me,” She added, “You should have gone back home.”

“Why?” Clarke questioned, leaning forward and trying to get Lexa to look up at her.

“I don’t deserve anything good.” Lexa deadpanned, her eyes straight ahead but not looking at anything specific. Clarke didn’t seem to respond but only watched her, waiting for her to continue. “I destroy everything I touch.”

“That’s not true.” In a way, what Lexa was saying made Clarke think of herself. Everything and everyone she touched died, people she cared about, people she tried to protect, tried to save, it never ended up the way she wanted it to. Lexa too, she almost died because of her.

“It is.” Lexa’s voice was quiet and almost defeated, “Anya, Gustus, Costia…” She turned to Clarke this time, looking at her with tired eyes. “The list goes on and on Clarke.” This time it was just a whisper, “I don’t want you to be a part of that list.”

“I have a list like that too.” Clarke told her with a shaky nod. “And you almost ended up on it.” She took her chance, moving closer to Lexa slowly, scooting over next to her.

Lexa shook her head, her lips trembled and she looked up at Clarke. “I have so much blood on my hands Clarke, so many people I’ve killed, so many lives I’ve ruined.” There was almost a pleading look in her eyes this time, looking up at her and wanting her to say something, do something to maybe make her feel better. It wasn’t possible, Lexa knew that, nothing could change that, make the weight of it all lighter.

“I know,” Clarke nodded, her hand going to rest on Lexa’s knee. “I’ve had my share of that.” She reminded Lexa, “Not as much as you, but I know what it’s like.”

“I’m a monster Clarke.” Lexa spoke, her voice broken as she shook her head. “I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve any of this,” She looked down at Clarke’s hand resting on her knee. “You’re _good_ Clarke.” Lexa told her, placing her hand over Clarke’s. “You are so good.”

“Even after everything I’ve done?” Clarke raised her eyebrow, they weren’t so different after all.

“Yes.” Lexa nodded in an instant, “Despite it all, you are still good and there is still so much good in you.” Her voice fell this time, head shaking slightly as she spoke, “Not so much in me.”

“That’s not true.” Clarke told her, “You have a good heart Lexa.” She started. “Everything you’ve done, everything you’ve been through, you’re still a good person.” Lexa scoffed, looking away from her. “You value peace over war, you want to help you people, you don’t want more bloodshed.” Clarke tried. “How many Commanders can say that?” _Not many. Not_ _any_. “You’re good Lexa.” Clarke said after a small pause, not receiving a response from Lexa. “There is so much good in you.”

“I wouldn’t have done everything I did if I was good.” Lexa argued, she sounded tired and exhausted, no fight left in her.

“None of it would matter to you if you weren’t, Lexa.” Clarke gave a small smile. “If you the monster you think you are, you would be up right now. You wouldn’t have sleepless nights plagued by the memories of every horrible thing you’ve had to do.” She turned her hand that was resting on Lexa knee, holding onto her hand instead. “You wouldn’t be carrying this weight on your shoulders because you would care.”

“But it doesn’t matter now.” Lexa let her head fall, hanging as she looked down at her lap. “It doesn’t undo what I did, it doesn’t bring back the people I killed. The past is still the past.”

Clarke let out a small breath, nodding, “You’re right.” She told her and this time Lexa looked up at her, thinking that Clarke would argue. “It doesn’t change the past.” She nodded. “What you did, what I did, everything we had to do, it doesn’t matter why we did it.” Clarke sighed, leaned her shoulder against Lexa’s, “But that doesn’t define you,” She told her gently, Clarke wasn’t too sure that applied for herself, but it did for Lexa. “We can’t change anything that happened. But we can promise to do better.” Clarke leaned her head up, Lexa had calmed down a lot now, and kissed the underside of her jaw. “I see you doing better everyday, Lexa; I see your gentleness, your want for peace, I see the way you care about your people. They’re everything to you, and you will do anything to keep them safe…happy even.”

She could hear the hitch in Lexa’s breath and if she could see her face, Clarke would know that there were tears there too. Clarke was right, Lexa knew she was right. Nothing mattered to her like her people did, their safety, their happiness, making sure there was food, there was enough furs in the winter, nothing mattered to her the way her people did. Not until Clarke had come along anyways, Lexa had learned the hard way that being Commander meant being alone, but Clarke…she couldn’t help it, she could close herself off, close her feelings off. No matter how hard she tried, even after Mount Weather, Clarke was…Clarke was still here. And maybe Lexa didn’t deserve her, maybe she didn’t deserve the brightness from Clarke’s eyes, or the warmth of her smile. But if Clarke wanted to be here…it would be unkind to turn her away. This time Lexa let out a long breath, not saying anything but only leaning her head against Clarke’s. “So you want to stay?”

Clarke couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, nodding as she did so, “Of course I do.” She nudged her shoulder, “Lexa?” She asked and the other girl brought her head up to look at her, “There is nowhere in the world I would rather be right now than right here by your side.”

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't proofread this i'm so sorry. and i think i was giving up around the last 200-ish words. but thank you so much for reading. i missed writing canon-verse clexa. i miss that dynamic so much and i wanna write more. so if you liked it, leave me a like. maybe a comment too pls. and who knows i'll write more canon clexa stuff.


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